1
00:00:13,410 --> 00:00:16,350
Hey.
2
00:00:18,780 --> 00:00:21,595
Hello.
3
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:22,920
Hi.
4
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,145
That was...
That was very nice.
5
00:00:30,270 --> 00:00:34,605
All right,
let's start with a joke.
6
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Every time I sneeze,
7
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,805
some asshole
in the room goes,
8
00:00:37,930 --> 00:00:40,085
"do you know
the sensation of a sneeze
9
00:00:40,210 --> 00:00:41,915
is 1/8 of an orgasm?"
10
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,255
I don't know
if you've heard this myth,
11
00:00:43,380 --> 00:00:44,785
but that's what people say.
12
00:00:44,910 --> 00:00:46,485
That's why
when I'm fucking a chick,
13
00:00:46,610 --> 00:00:50,995
I keep a bit of pepper
on the bedside table.
14
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And as I'm coming,
15
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I Chuck it in her face.
16
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'Cause she deserves
something.
17
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Well...
18
00:01:03,890 --> 00:01:06,800
Thank you.
19
00:01:09,310 --> 00:01:10,845
I used to, for a while,
20
00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:13,115
date Michael Phelps'
ex-girlfriend,
21
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,615
and that sounds like a joke,
but it's true.
22
00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:16,845
I dated Michael Phelps'
ex-girlfriend.
23
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And I'll tell you something
24
00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:20,985
about fucking Michael Phelps'
ex-girlfriend.
25
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You put no effort in,
26
00:01:23,010 --> 00:01:25,395
'cause no matter how good
you think you're fucking her,
27
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:26,895
you're not fucking her
as good
28
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:30,165
as the greatest olympian
that's ever lived.
29
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This guy's 6'8",
has size 20 feet,
30
00:01:33,330 --> 00:01:36,145
and holds his breath
for a living, right?
31
00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:39,375
He burns 10,000 calories
a day.
32
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,645
You know, he's just fucking her
and drinking red bull
33
00:01:41,770 --> 00:01:44,185
and eating chocolate bars,
34
00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:46,155
and I'm there coughing
cigarette phlegm up
35
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,340
on her back.
36
00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:55,015
And she always used Mike
against me.
37
00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:58,555
I call him Mike now.
38
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She'd go,
"Mike bought me this handbag.
39
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:01,855
Mike bought me these shoes."
40
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And I'd be like,
"Mike looks like
41
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:06,695
"he has down syndrome.
42
00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:08,995
Why don't you ever
mention that?"
43
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,575
And we don't know
for sure
44
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:15,005
that I'm not
a better swimmer.
45
00:02:15,130 --> 00:02:17,385
I've never timed myself.
46
00:02:17,510 --> 00:02:19,415
When I get in the pool,
it's for pleasure,
47
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,185
not to show off
in "competition".
48
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,755
Okay? I can tell you,
if I ever finish a lap
49
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,225
of an olympic-sized pool,
50
00:02:26,350 --> 00:02:29,265
I'll be really,
really tired.
51
00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:30,925
And you can only assume
from that
52
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:35,105
that I've been going
extraordinarily fast.
53
00:02:35,230 --> 00:02:37,765
"Mike took me here.
Mike took me there."
54
00:02:37,890 --> 00:02:41,475
"Mike cheated on you
with miss california,
55
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:45,060
and I could never do that
to you."
56
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,730
It's not that I wouldn't.
57
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,585
I just couldn't.
It's miss california.
58
00:02:52,710 --> 00:02:55,615
That bitch has gotta be
fucking tasty, eh?
59
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,325
Like... like,
I'm on the TV a bit.
60
00:02:58,450 --> 00:03:02,595
I'm a minor celebrity.
I could fuck, like...
61
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:07,055
Miss Delaware
is coming to mind.
62
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:08,895
I don't even know
where Delaware is,
63
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:12,690
but she sounds fucking ugly,
miss Delaware, doesn't she?
64
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,635
But I've got
a girlfriend now.
65
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:18,835
She's in the...
She's in the room.
66
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,805
Uh, I got a girlfriend.
67
00:03:20,930 --> 00:03:23,975
She's moved into the house.
A serious relationship.
68
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:26,445
I-I'll tell you
what I've been doing
69
00:03:26,570 --> 00:03:28,975
with the last 12 years
of my life.
70
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:31,655
For the last 12 years
of my life,
71
00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:33,815
I've been traveling
around the world,
72
00:03:33,940 --> 00:03:36,365
having sex
with random women.
73
00:03:36,490 --> 00:03:37,985
And my girlfriend
has taught me
74
00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:40,295
that that's a really sad way
to live your life
75
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:42,335
and kind of depressing.
76
00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:43,435
And it's weird, you know,
77
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,935
'cause it felt like fun.
78
00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:48,275
I, uh...
79
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,775
I remember a lot of smiling
back in the day.
80
00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:54,845
I have vivid memories
of high-fiving a lot.
81
00:03:54,970 --> 00:03:58,185
I, uh...
82
00:03:58,310 --> 00:04:01,685
But thank god
she's come along...
83
00:04:01,810 --> 00:04:04,450
To tell me
that I was mistaken.
84
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,855
Maybe you might be asking,
why would I want
85
00:04:09,980 --> 00:04:11,025
to settle down?
86
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:12,825
And I'm at the age now, 35,
87
00:04:12,950 --> 00:04:14,825
where I'm thinking
of the future.
88
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:17,305
I would like to be
a father one day.
89
00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:19,795
I think I would be
a great dad, I really do.
90
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:21,835
I just don't think
I'd be a good husband,
91
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,575
and there's a problem.
92
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:25,475
Uh, 'cause you can't just,
like, meet a woman,
93
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,835
marry her,
get her pregnant,
94
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,135
she has the child,
and then you divorce her
95
00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:29,475
in the first year.
96
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:30,905
That's automatic
bad dad territory.
97
00:04:31,030 --> 00:04:32,075
It doesn't matter
how many ball games
98
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,145
you take
the little cunt to,
99
00:04:33,270 --> 00:04:34,770
you're a bad fucking dad.
100
00:04:36,170 --> 00:04:37,755
So I think
the only way out for me
101
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,985
is to, like,
meet a woman,
102
00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:42,595
marry her,
get her pregnant,
103
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,855
she has the child,
104
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:47,995
and then if she could die,
105
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,235
that... that would really
help me out.
106
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,375
'Cause... 'Cause your kid
couldn't hate you then,
107
00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:54,905
because "I'm doing my best!
Your mum's dead!"
108
00:04:55,030 --> 00:04:56,960
You know?
109
00:04:59,870 --> 00:05:03,205
But I've looked into it,
and...
110
00:05:03,330 --> 00:05:04,945
Not as easy
as you might think.
111
00:05:05,070 --> 00:05:06,785
It turns out
that terminally ill women
112
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:08,515
don't want to get pregnant.
113
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They're all about them
and what they're up to
114
00:05:10,340 --> 00:05:12,425
and their issues,
you know?
115
00:05:12,550 --> 00:05:14,555
The terminally ill are
very fucking high maintenance,
116
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,365
if you ask me, so...
117
00:05:17,490 --> 00:05:20,125
I need to find a woman
who doesn't know she's dying,
118
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,305
and that's a whole new set
of complications.
119
00:05:22,430 --> 00:05:25,435
So I need to befriend
a doctor.
120
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,275
That doctor will have,
like, a cancerous woman
121
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,765
come into his office,
and he'll be like,
122
00:05:28,890 --> 00:05:30,775
"oh, you're fine.
Get outta here.
123
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:32,605
"You're wasting my time.
124
00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:35,075
Congratulations
on the weight loss."
125
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,945
Then...
126
00:05:38,070 --> 00:05:40,615
He'll ring me up and go,
"I've got one!"
127
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:44,215
And I'll be like, "yay!"
128
00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:46,585
And then I'll give him a couple
of free tickets to a show.
129
00:05:46,710 --> 00:05:48,085
We'd call it even.
130
00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:51,825
Then I'd meet the girl,
appear really charming,
131
00:05:51,950 --> 00:05:53,725
I'd get her married,
132
00:05:53,850 --> 00:05:54,925
I'd get her pregnant,
133
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,925
she'd have the child,
134
00:05:57,050 --> 00:05:59,475
and then if she could die,
135
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,965
that would get me
out of a bind.
136
00:06:03,090 --> 00:06:05,005
Like, I don't want her to die
during childbirth.
137
00:06:05,130 --> 00:06:06,975
I'm not a fucking animal,
you know?
138
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,235
Like...
Like a few years later,
139
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,105
after the kid
could walk, and talk,
140
00:06:11,230 --> 00:06:13,145
and wipe its own ass,
and open the fridge,
141
00:06:13,270 --> 00:06:15,940
and take care of itself
to a certain extent.
142
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,755
And I'm thinking
I want a daughter.
143
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,155
I think that would suit me,
144
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:22,855
to have a little
three-year-old daughter, eliza.
145
00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:24,025
I've already named her.
146
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,535
So picture me,
Jim jefferies,
147
00:06:26,660 --> 00:06:29,335
with little eliza,
struggling through life, eh?
148
00:06:29,460 --> 00:06:31,335
Just the two of us.
The mum's fucking dead.
149
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:33,995
She's long gone.
It's just the two of us.
150
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,345
I do what I can.
151
00:06:35,470 --> 00:06:36,965
I take her on the road
with me because
152
00:06:37,090 --> 00:06:38,505
I can't leave her with anyone.
153
00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:40,030
She's all I've got left.
154
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,845
I'm fucking adorable.
155
00:06:46,970 --> 00:06:48,845
There isn't a woman
in this room
156
00:06:48,970 --> 00:06:50,815
that doesn't want
to suck that guy's cock.
157
00:06:50,940 --> 00:06:55,115
That's about as sexy as I get,
with a dead fucking wife,
158
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,125
raising a little girl.
159
00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:02,025
And I would play that card
every single day as well.
160
00:07:02,150 --> 00:07:05,035
I-I'd be, like, in a diner
with little eliza,
161
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,865
and as the hot waitress
walked by, I'd go,
162
00:07:06,990 --> 00:07:10,930
"no, mummy's never
coming back."
163
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,415
And then when the waitress
came up, I'd go,
164
00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:19,555
"no, no, no. Nothing for me.
Thank you so much.
165
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:24,340
"But I think someone might like
an ice cream sundae.
166
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:29,895
"It's her first birthday
without her mother.
167
00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:31,765
"No, no, no.
No, it's okay.
168
00:07:31,890 --> 00:07:36,535
"We're... we're okay.
169
00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:39,325
"Sometimes...
170
00:07:39,450 --> 00:07:42,360
I think
she takes care of me."
171
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,585
You know what'd be happening
later on that evening?
172
00:07:50,710 --> 00:07:51,845
I'd be getting
my dick sucked
173
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,870
and a free sundae.
174
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,795
And I'd raise that kid
good too.
175
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,355
No fucking around.
176
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:11,565
Raise that kid the same way
that I was raised.
177
00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:14,320
I'd beat the fuck
out of it.
178
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:22,275
My mother broke
both my brother's legs.
179
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,645
Not both my brothers.
180
00:08:24,770 --> 00:08:27,455
One brother.
181
00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:30,375
Both his fucking legs.
182
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,755
Scotty was
under the bed going,
183
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,495
"I don't want
to go to school,"
184
00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:34,825
and mum's going,
"get out right now.
185
00:08:34,950 --> 00:08:36,465
You're going to school,"
and he was like,
186
00:08:36,590 --> 00:08:38,765
"no, I'm not.
You can't make me."
187
00:08:38,890 --> 00:08:40,125
And she went, "you don't think
I can make you?"
188
00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:42,560
And then Scott went,
"fuck off!"
189
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:49,090
Now, Gunther
wasn't taking that.
190
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:57,815
She reached under,
grabbed him by the shirt,
191
00:08:57,940 --> 00:08:59,275
pulled him backwards,
192
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,415
yanked him upwards,
so his shins shattered
193
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:05,080
against the bed frame
and the floor.
194
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,315
Now, on the upside,
195
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,765
didn't go to school
that day.
196
00:09:11,890 --> 00:09:14,790
Got a couple of extra days off
to relax.
197
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,935
Fucking soft.
You're soft people.
198
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,505
I'm telling you.
199
00:09:21,630 --> 00:09:23,675
You know, this k...
This self-esteem
200
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,135
and giving every child
a fucking medal
201
00:09:26,260 --> 00:09:28,675
if it runs a race,
and it...
202
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,175
There are two fucking lots
203
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:33,475
winners and fucking losers,
right?
204
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,015
You might not be
a winner at everything.
205
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:36,815
You might not be
a loser at everything.
206
00:09:36,940 --> 00:09:38,725
But you won't find out
what the fuck you're good at
207
00:09:38,850 --> 00:09:42,155
if they tell you you're
fucking good at everything.
208
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,695
Right?
209
00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:49,025
See, you here in america
210
00:09:49,150 --> 00:09:50,495
are the most powerful country
that's ever been.
211
00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:54,465
You're coming number 27
in education,
212
00:09:54,590 --> 00:09:57,035
and that's disgusting,
right?
213
00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,640
But you're coming number one
in confidence.
214
00:10:02,330 --> 00:10:06,170
So you're breeding
stupid, confident people.
215
00:10:07,980 --> 00:10:13,385
They're the worst employees
in the fucking world.
216
00:10:13,510 --> 00:10:16,355
All right? So this whole
"we're number one"
217
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,025
should call it
a fucking day, america.
218
00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:21,255
China's coming to get ya.
219
00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:23,865
And you can't stop
China, mate,
220
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:26,165
'cause they're number one
in education,
221
00:10:26,290 --> 00:10:29,745
and they're the bottom
of the list in confidence.
222
00:10:29,870 --> 00:10:32,335
Their entire society
rotates around honor,
223
00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:33,875
respect, dignity.
224
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,070
"Do your homework.
Learn your fucking violin."
225
00:10:39,370 --> 00:10:41,185
So who do you want
putting your car together?
226
00:10:41,310 --> 00:10:43,860
A little, nervous Asian fellow
with a drill going...
227
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,925
Or this guy...
228
00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:50,180
"Perfect."
229
00:10:54,050 --> 00:10:55,895
'Cause you can't compete
with the asians.
230
00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:57,935
It's not that they're smarter.
They're not smarter.
231
00:10:58,060 --> 00:11:01,605
Their infrastructure
is infinitely better.
232
00:11:01,730 --> 00:11:04,615
The asians do something
that we don't do.
233
00:11:04,740 --> 00:11:07,205
They acknowledge stupidity.
234
00:11:07,330 --> 00:11:09,375
If you have a classroom
of american children,
235
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,115
little Johnny isn't keeping up
with the other kids,
236
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,445
what do you do?
237
00:11:12,570 --> 00:11:15,145
"Come on, Johnny.
You can catch up.
238
00:11:15,270 --> 00:11:17,445
We believe in you."
239
00:11:17,570 --> 00:11:19,085
What do you think
they do in China
240
00:11:19,210 --> 00:11:22,585
when fucking meiping
isn't toeing the line, eh?
241
00:11:22,710 --> 00:11:24,555
"Get out of the way,
you dumb cunt.
242
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,585
"Don't talk to the smart kids.
You're weighing them down.
243
00:11:27,710 --> 00:11:29,455
"Go over there
and make some shoes
244
00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:32,890
and help our economy,
but leave them alone."
245
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:40,745
You don't acknowledge stupidity,
and I can fucking prove it.
246
00:11:40,870 --> 00:11:42,015
We have 1,000 people
in the room.
247
00:11:42,140 --> 00:11:43,175
By a show of hands...
248
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,785
Don't do it ironically.
249
00:11:44,910 --> 00:11:46,785
Don't do this sarcastically.
250
00:11:46,910 --> 00:11:49,755
Only do this
if you truly believe it.
251
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,955
Put up your hand
if you truly believe
252
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,180
you have a stupid child
at home.
253
00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:01,665
None of you!
254
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:03,495
Well, guess what?
255
00:12:03,620 --> 00:12:06,760
It's statistically
higher than that!
256
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:10,365
But your child isn't stupid.
257
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:12,505
Not your child.
258
00:12:12,630 --> 00:12:16,475
Your child has
a learning difficulty.
259
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:20,955
That's the definition
of stupid.
260
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,345
If you have difficulty...
261
00:12:23,470 --> 00:12:27,025
Learning...
262
00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:29,695
That's what stupid is!
263
00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:32,625
If you find it hard
to put information
264
00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:34,795
in your head
265
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,165
and recall it
when you need it,
266
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:41,875
that's textbook stupid.
267
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,715
And there's nothing wrong
with being stupid.
268
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,175
I'll take a nice idiot
over a smart asshole
269
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:51,200
any fucking day of the week,
ladies and gentlemen.
270
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,155
But let's just acknowledge
these people.
271
00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:00,895
You know, now I've given you
a good point,
272
00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:02,025
many of you are thinking,
273
00:13:02,150 --> 00:13:04,995
"maybe our kid
is a dumb cunt."
274
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,735
You're picturing him
in his little league game.
275
00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:10,790
He's in the outfield,
digging a hole with a stick.
276
00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:17,845
I've told you before
in one of my other DVDs,
277
00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:20,335
but this is how you find out
if your kid's a dumb cunt,
278
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:21,405
all right?
279
00:13:21,530 --> 00:13:24,115
Are you a dumb cunt?
280
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,755
Is your wife or your husband
a dumb cunt?
281
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,755
Guess what your kids are.
282
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,285
Your kids are dumb cunts,
just like you,
283
00:13:33,410 --> 00:13:37,310
except they'll achieve
even less.
284
00:13:38,890 --> 00:13:40,865
Now, don't be upset
by this information,
285
00:13:40,990 --> 00:13:43,095
if you're indeed a dumb cunt,
with your dumb cunt spouse,
286
00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:45,105
and your dumb cunt kids,
and your dumb cunt family,
287
00:13:45,230 --> 00:13:47,135
with your dumb cunt friends,
288
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:51,775
'cause society's very
accommodating to dumb cunts.
289
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:53,475
In fact, there are places
290
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,945
where you and your
dumb cunt family
291
00:13:56,070 --> 00:14:01,115
can go once a week and meet
other dumb cunt families
292
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,885
and you can sing songs.
293
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,280
And it's called the church,
294
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:13,795
and they've never turned away
a group of dumb cunts.
295
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,265
The church
loves dumb cunts.
296
00:14:16,390 --> 00:14:17,755
Doesn't like the smart,
297
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:21,735
what with their
constant questions.
298
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,565
The smart are always
asking questions,
299
00:14:23,690 --> 00:14:25,870
and that's like fucking cancer
to religion.
300
00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:33,615
See, I became an atheist
when I was 15 years old.
301
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,015
I remember
there was an exact moment.
302
00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:39,610
I was digging a hole
with a stick, and I...
303
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:45,325
Now, if you've just recently
become an atheist,
304
00:14:45,450 --> 00:14:47,195
try to be cool
about it, right?
305
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,325
'Cause, especially
in this country,
306
00:14:49,450 --> 00:14:51,195
people use atheism almost like
its own religion.
307
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,625
Right?
308
00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:54,365
'Cause when you become
an atheist,
309
00:14:54,490 --> 00:14:55,795
you're very angry
because you... you've been fed
310
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,505
so many lies
that you become angry.
311
00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:00,345
Right? So try to be
what I call a good atheist.
312
00:15:00,470 --> 00:15:02,675
I used to be
a bad atheist, right?
313
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,645
I, like, for example,
314
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:05,885
I didn't go
to a friend's wedding once
315
00:15:06,010 --> 00:15:07,645
'cause it was in a church,
316
00:15:07,770 --> 00:15:09,215
'cause I "wouldn't set foot
in a church," right?
317
00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:11,615
And then, like,
I couldn't go to parties,
318
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:13,325
'cause I'd always end up
in a corner
319
00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:16,055
with a Christian, going,
"you're a fucking idiot," right?
320
00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:19,895
And that's no way
to live your life, you know?
321
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,365
So you know what?
322
00:15:21,490 --> 00:15:23,395
You gotta live
and let live in this world.
323
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,795
Have the magic man.
Don't have the magic man.
324
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,365
I don't give a fuck.
325
00:15:29,490 --> 00:15:32,460
And since I have
this new sunny disposition...
326
00:15:34,170 --> 00:15:35,635
My life's
really turned around.
327
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,885
I got more friends.
I tolerate others.
328
00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:40,085
I'm now a godfather
to three children,
329
00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:44,085
and that's retarded.
330
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:46,385
'Cause these people
know me,
331
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:49,155
and they still fucking ask.
332
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,995
They still come up
and go, "Jim,
333
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,425
will you be
the child's godfather?"
334
00:15:52,550 --> 00:15:55,195
And I'm like...
335
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,565
"Yes."
336
00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:58,265
And then I stand there
in church
337
00:15:58,390 --> 00:15:59,565
with the priest
and the parents,
338
00:15:59,690 --> 00:16:00,935
and the priest
is holding the baby,
339
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,835
and the priest turns to me
and goes, "Jim,
340
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,735
"will you spiritually guide
this child
341
00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:08,015
throughout its life?"
342
00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:10,570
"Sure."
343
00:16:12,140 --> 00:16:16,115
'Cause I have no problems
lying in church.
344
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,515
What difference
does it make?
345
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,255
Now, there are two reasons
why babies are christened.
346
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,255
Right?
There's the real reason,
347
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:25,125
which is the church
are trying to recruit people
348
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:28,595
who can't talk.
349
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,565
Then there's the second reason,
the Bible's reasons,
350
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,105
god's reasons.
351
00:16:32,230 --> 00:16:34,765
This is why god wants you
to christen your child.
352
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:37,235
Because if you don't
christen your child,
353
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,105
and it dies in infancy,
354
00:16:39,230 --> 00:16:42,245
it doesn't get into heaven.
355
00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:44,805
Awww.
356
00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:46,115
So if you are religious,
357
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,545
your god sounds like
a super guy,
358
00:16:49,670 --> 00:16:52,455
but if he lets
one dead baby into heaven,
359
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:56,225
then he has to let
all the dead babies into heaven.
360
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:58,395
And before you know it,
heaven's just filled
361
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,420
with fucking dead babies.
362
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,135
Won't be able to move
for dead babies!
363
00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:11,575
And let's not act like
these babies didn't know
364
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:14,600
what they did.
365
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,805
Now...
366
00:17:19,930 --> 00:17:21,985
It's not lost on me
367
00:17:22,110 --> 00:17:23,315
that when I tell a joke
like that
368
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,485
in front of
this many people,
369
00:17:25,610 --> 00:17:29,095
that in this room,
there's a good chance
370
00:17:29,220 --> 00:17:31,495
that there's a couple who lost
their child in infancy.
371
00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:33,655
And I'm a comedian.
I'm meant to make you laugh.
372
00:17:33,780 --> 00:17:36,855
And I've just reminded you
of the most horrible thing
373
00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:38,635
that ever happened to you,
374
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,665
and for that I am sorry.
375
00:17:41,790 --> 00:17:44,965
But if you weren't
smart enough
376
00:17:45,090 --> 00:17:46,705
to get a pedophile
in a dress
377
00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:51,145
to put a small amount of water
on the child's forehead,
378
00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:54,930
what the fuck did you think
was gonna happen, right?
379
00:17:59,740 --> 00:18:02,655
And as far
as I'm concerned,
380
00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:06,295
you're bad parents,
381
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:09,320
and that's why god
took your child away from you.
382
00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:14,075
Because I think we all know
383
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:18,345
that god makes
no mistakes, so...
384
00:18:18,470 --> 00:18:21,370
Maybe you did.
385
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:26,385
It's weird, you know?
386
00:18:26,510 --> 00:18:27,815
I feel a tension
in the room now.
387
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,645
People are still...
388
00:18:30,770 --> 00:18:32,185
I like it.
I prefer it to laughter.
389
00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:33,225
I'm used to that.
390
00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:34,815
I like this weird feeling.
391
00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:36,325
Because you all know
what I do.
392
00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:37,755
You've seen my specials.
You bought a ticket.
393
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:41,665
And fucking people
still get shocked.
394
00:18:41,790 --> 00:18:43,205
Right?
I mean, the thing is,
395
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,405
it's not my fans
that get shocked or upset.
396
00:18:45,530 --> 00:18:47,435
They know
what's fucking happening.
397
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,205
The problem
with these shows, though,
398
00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:51,865
is that people come
in groups.
399
00:18:51,990 --> 00:18:54,735
And there's some guy here
who's a big fan of mine,
400
00:18:54,860 --> 00:18:56,345
and he said to six
of his friends,
401
00:18:56,470 --> 00:18:59,245
"you gotta see this guy.
402
00:18:59,370 --> 00:19:02,285
We're gonna have
a great fucking night."
403
00:19:02,410 --> 00:19:04,745
And at this stage of the show,
he's going,
404
00:19:04,870 --> 00:19:06,970
"oh, no.
405
00:19:09,850 --> 00:19:12,750
"Aww, Karen's here.
406
00:19:15,050 --> 00:19:17,980
"Karen fucking loves god.
407
00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:24,660
I'm never gonna
fuck Karen."
408
00:19:30,930 --> 00:19:33,315
Then afterwards,
I'll be outside having a drink
409
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,915
at one of the bars
around the place,
410
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,585
and afterwards,
Karen will see me,
411
00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:38,155
and she'll walk up to me
with a smile like this.
412
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,985
She comes up...
413
00:19:41,110 --> 00:19:42,555
And then,
when she gets really close,
414
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,555
she'll go,
"you're a fucking asshole!"
415
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:49,295
And I'll be like, "oh, no,
you don't want a photo."
416
00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:52,595
Right?
417
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,305
And then her fr... her friends
will sort of drag her away,
418
00:19:56,430 --> 00:19:58,245
and as she's being
dragged away,
419
00:19:58,370 --> 00:20:00,605
she'll yell
something out like,
420
00:20:00,730 --> 00:20:02,415
"god loves you!
Jesus loves you!"
421
00:20:02,540 --> 00:20:05,315
Some bullshit like that.
422
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,155
Because christians
have this belief
423
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,115
that there's a man on a cloud
that loves them.
424
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,325
Let's say he exists.
425
00:20:11,450 --> 00:20:12,815
He doesn't fucking love you.
426
00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:14,755
I've heard christians say
that my god
427
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,625
loves me unconditionally.
428
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:18,525
No such thing
as unconditional love.
429
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:20,025
That's a load
of fucking bullshit.
430
00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:21,695
My mum always throws
that one out there.
431
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:24,495
My mum always goes,
"Jim, I love you no matter what.
432
00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:25,835
I love you
unconditionally."
433
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,635
And I always think
to myself,
434
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:31,835
what if I cut
one of her tits off?
435
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,935
What if... what if
I just got a rusty blade
436
00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:36,675
and started hacking
into that obese woman's breasts?
437
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,615
And, like,
would she still love me?
438
00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:41,715
She might.
I'm not willing to test it.
439
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,715
But I can tell you
for sure...
440
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,115
I can tell you for sure
441
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,815
that god does not love you
unconditionally.
442
00:20:47,940 --> 00:20:50,725
I have already given you
a condition.
443
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:53,955
If you don't put
a small amount of water
444
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:56,865
on a baby's forehead,
445
00:20:56,990 --> 00:21:00,795
it burns for eternity.
446
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:05,505
That's a condition
of a fucking psychopath.
447
00:21:05,630 --> 00:21:08,515
Like, if god showed up
at a party,
448
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,715
he'd be the least-welcome person
in party history.
449
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,485
Right? Everyone would be
having a good time,
450
00:21:14,610 --> 00:21:17,680
then someone would go,
"don't look up."
451
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,235
"Oh, no.
452
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:29,265
"God's here.
453
00:21:29,390 --> 00:21:32,505
"Hey, god.
How are you going?
454
00:21:32,630 --> 00:21:34,405
We didn't know
you were gonna be here."
455
00:21:34,530 --> 00:21:37,095
"Yeah, well, I'm fucking
everywhere, aren't I?
456
00:21:37,220 --> 00:21:41,575
So why the fuck
wouldn't I be here?"
457
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,445
"Well, god, it's really great
to have you here.
458
00:21:43,570 --> 00:21:45,075
We're really happy
you're here."
459
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,205
Then god's like,
"everyone!
460
00:21:47,330 --> 00:21:49,075
"Everyone!
461
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,075
"Could everyone please
be quiet
462
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,755
"and look at me right now?
463
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,685
"I've come down
to tell all of you
464
00:21:54,810 --> 00:21:57,055
"I want you all to know
465
00:21:57,180 --> 00:22:00,925
that I love all of you
unconditionally."
466
00:22:01,050 --> 00:22:02,565
And they're like,
467
00:22:02,690 --> 00:22:04,265
"thanks for that, god.
We really appreciate that."
468
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:06,275
And they go back to their party,
and then god goes,
469
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,935
"is that all
you have to say?"
470
00:22:10,060 --> 00:22:11,735
"Sorry, god?"
471
00:22:11,860 --> 00:22:13,745
"I just said I love you."
472
00:22:13,870 --> 00:22:17,485
"Oh, fucking shit.
Yeah, um...
473
00:22:17,610 --> 00:22:19,485
We love you too."
474
00:22:19,610 --> 00:22:21,415
"Good, good, good.
475
00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:23,145
"'Cause you know
if you don't,
476
00:22:23,270 --> 00:22:26,785
you'll fucking burn,
right?"
477
00:22:26,910 --> 00:22:28,655
"Yes, god, we...
We really love you.
478
00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:29,825
We really love you."
479
00:22:29,950 --> 00:22:31,255
"Do you love
any other gods?"
480
00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:33,995
"No, we don't.
We really don't."
481
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,255
"Okay, cool.
482
00:22:35,380 --> 00:22:36,825
"Sorry, everyone.
I'm sorry.
483
00:22:36,950 --> 00:22:40,965
I've had too much to drink.
I'm sorry."
484
00:22:41,090 --> 00:22:43,005
And then they go back
to their party,
485
00:22:43,130 --> 00:22:44,835
and obviously god's not getting
enough attention.
486
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,645
He pipes up again,
487
00:22:46,770 --> 00:22:50,645
"everybody,
one last thing.
488
00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:52,005
"I know you all said
you love me,
489
00:22:52,130 --> 00:22:53,685
"and that's really cool
of you.
490
00:22:53,810 --> 00:22:55,455
"I want you to do
one more thing for me now.
491
00:22:55,580 --> 00:22:57,085
"I want to point out
492
00:22:57,210 --> 00:23:00,185
"that you won't burn
if you don't do this,
493
00:23:00,310 --> 00:23:01,855
"but it would go a long way
not to burning,
494
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:03,695
"if you get
my fucking drift.
495
00:23:03,820 --> 00:23:08,125
"All right?
It would be really great...
496
00:23:08,250 --> 00:23:11,150
If you could all
sing songs about me."
497
00:23:14,390 --> 00:23:16,265
And they're like,
498
00:23:16,390 --> 00:23:18,165
"sorry, god?"
499
00:23:18,290 --> 00:23:20,935
"I made the fucking world!
Just sing a fucking song!
500
00:23:21,060 --> 00:23:22,005
What's the problem?"
501
00:23:22,130 --> 00:23:25,145
And they're like, "yeah.
502
00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:27,785
"Yeah, we can do this,
can't we, gang?
503
00:23:27,910 --> 00:23:29,455
Let's sing some songs
for god."
504
00:23:29,580 --> 00:23:31,045
And they start singing
some gospel music,
505
00:23:31,170 --> 00:23:32,725
and to begin with,
god's fucking digging it.
506
00:23:32,850 --> 00:23:35,780
He's just...
507
00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:46,090
'Cause let's not forget
that god's a white guy.
508
00:23:52,100 --> 00:23:55,000
Then halfway through the song,
god starts to turn.
509
00:24:04,940 --> 00:24:08,825
"Everyone stop singing.
510
00:24:08,950 --> 00:24:12,340
Who's the guy in the pink shirt
who's enjoying singing?"
511
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,705
"Oh.
512
00:24:20,830 --> 00:24:23,700
Oh, oh, that's Brian
and his boyfr..."
513
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,555
"You know I hate faggots!"
514
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:37,115
"But, god, god, god.
Calm down. Calm down.
515
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:38,685
You just said
you love everyone."
516
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:42,595
"Not faggots, I didn't!"
517
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:44,225
And then people are trying
to calm him down.
518
00:24:44,350 --> 00:24:47,355
He's like, "don't you
fucking touch me!
519
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:51,125
Don't touch me,
you faggot-lover!"
520
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:52,125
And they're like,
"god, it's probably best
521
00:24:52,250 --> 00:24:53,805
you just leave this party."
522
00:24:53,930 --> 00:24:58,265
"You're all gonna fucking burn.
All you fucking cunts."
523
00:24:58,390 --> 00:24:59,645
And he goes outside,
524
00:24:59,770 --> 00:25:00,905
and he's trying
to calm himself down.
525
00:25:01,030 --> 00:25:04,275
"I fucking hate faggots.
526
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:05,915
"I couldn't be clearer
about this.
527
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:10,115
"It's in my book,
for fuck's sake.
528
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,885
"Everyone's got the book.
No one's fucking read the book.
529
00:25:13,010 --> 00:25:15,625
Everyone's got the book."
530
00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:17,955
Then he passes, like,
a young couple holding hands.
531
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,425
He's like, "hey, how you doing?
You see that tree?
532
00:25:19,550 --> 00:25:20,495
"I fucking made that shit.
533
00:25:20,620 --> 00:25:22,425
"Hey, wait.
534
00:25:22,550 --> 00:25:25,295
"Wait.
535
00:25:25,420 --> 00:25:27,805
"Are you two married?
536
00:25:27,930 --> 00:25:29,675
"No?
537
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,135
"Well,
don't fuck each other.
538
00:25:32,260 --> 00:25:36,400
"I hate young people fucking,
and I hate faggots.
539
00:25:39,430 --> 00:25:44,085
"I also hate people
eating shrimp.
540
00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:46,785
"I mention that eight times
in my book,
541
00:25:46,910 --> 00:25:49,415
"where I only mention twice
that I hate homosexuals.
542
00:25:49,540 --> 00:25:52,155
"But people seem
to really enjoy eating shrimp,
543
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,835
"so I've forgotten
about that rule,
544
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,820
but I'm still very certain
I hate faggots."
545
00:26:07,740 --> 00:26:09,045
And everyone's like,
546
00:26:09,170 --> 00:26:13,215
"I'm so happy to have him
in my life,
547
00:26:13,340 --> 00:26:16,985
this constant glow I have
in my heart."
548
00:26:17,110 --> 00:26:18,555
My pet hate
when I'm onstage...
549
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:19,855
It doesn't really matter
too much in this show
550
00:26:19,980 --> 00:26:20,985
because it's being filmed...
551
00:26:21,110 --> 00:26:23,125
But I hate it
552
00:26:23,250 --> 00:26:24,895
when people have
their camera phone up
553
00:26:25,020 --> 00:26:26,695
and they're videotaping my show
when I'm doing a gig.
554
00:26:26,820 --> 00:26:28,295
For two reasons.
555
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:30,125
It sounds silly,
but the first reason's simple.
556
00:26:30,250 --> 00:26:31,805
They're my jokes,
557
00:26:31,930 --> 00:26:33,235
and I don't want you
putting them on the Internet
558
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:35,065
before I get to record them
on a special.
559
00:26:35,190 --> 00:26:39,575
Second reason is I'm not
in charge of the editing.
560
00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:42,715
You know how easy it would be
to edit that last routine
561
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,770
down to, "I hate faggots!"
562
00:26:49,980 --> 00:26:51,725
And then... and then I would be
getting interviewed,
563
00:26:51,850 --> 00:26:53,215
and someone would go,
564
00:26:53,340 --> 00:26:54,825
"Jim, why do you hate
homosexuals so much?"
565
00:26:54,950 --> 00:26:56,825
And I'd be like,
"I don't hate homosexuals."
566
00:26:56,950 --> 00:26:58,425
And then they'd show me
the clip, and I'd be like,
567
00:26:58,550 --> 00:27:02,225
"oh, no.
568
00:27:02,350 --> 00:27:06,865
"Awww.
569
00:27:06,990 --> 00:27:09,935
"What you don't understand
is...
570
00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:13,000
I was god at the time.
571
00:27:17,330 --> 00:27:21,215
God doesn't like
homosexuals."
572
00:27:21,340 --> 00:27:23,915
And I don't hate gay people.
I'm pro-gay people, man.
573
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,925
I-I protested
for gay marriage.
574
00:27:27,050 --> 00:27:28,695
I believe very strongly
in gay marriage.
575
00:27:28,820 --> 00:27:30,085
I-I believe
if you're a person
576
00:27:30,210 --> 00:27:31,865
who's watching
this special right now
577
00:27:31,990 --> 00:27:33,195
and you don't believe
in gay marriage, turn it off.
578
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:34,635
You're a fucking dick,
579
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,025
and I don't want anything
to do with you.
580
00:27:36,150 --> 00:27:38,635
Now...
581
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,875
And...
582
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,135
My reasoning
is so simple, right?
583
00:27:45,260 --> 00:27:47,275
If you don't believe
in gay marriage,
584
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,275
you're a dickhead
because...
585
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:53,115
It's got nothing
to fucking do with you.
586
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:54,815
Right? Doesn't matter.
587
00:27:54,940 --> 00:27:56,375
It doesn't matter
who loves who
588
00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:57,885
or who wants to be
with who.
589
00:27:58,010 --> 00:27:59,445
It's none of your
fucking business.
590
00:27:59,570 --> 00:28:01,155
None of your
fucking business.
591
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,385
If you hate gay marriage,
you know what you should do?
592
00:28:03,510 --> 00:28:07,965
Don't marry a gay person.
593
00:28:08,090 --> 00:28:09,965
That'll be your little way
of getting around it.
594
00:28:10,090 --> 00:28:13,020
That'll fucking show
the gays, eh?
595
00:28:18,630 --> 00:28:20,235
I'd like to be gay.
596
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:22,685
It'd fucking suit me.
597
00:28:22,810 --> 00:28:24,115
I'm this cl...
598
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:27,815
I studied musical theater
at university.
599
00:28:27,940 --> 00:28:31,850
I'm wearing leather
without a shirt underneath.
600
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:38,325
I would love to be gay.
601
00:28:38,450 --> 00:28:40,965
I tell you why.
'Cause I'm a man's man.
602
00:28:41,090 --> 00:28:44,495
I like men.
Men like me.
603
00:28:44,620 --> 00:28:47,165
We like each other.
604
00:28:47,290 --> 00:28:50,535
I hate women.
605
00:28:50,660 --> 00:28:53,605
Women hate me.
606
00:28:53,730 --> 00:28:56,145
We hate each other.
607
00:28:56,270 --> 00:28:58,175
The only reason
I couldn't be gay
608
00:28:58,300 --> 00:29:00,985
is 'cause I could never
fuck a man.
609
00:29:01,110 --> 00:29:04,240
'Cause I could never
fuck something that I respect.
610
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:16,225
That's a good fucking joke, eh?
That's a good joke.
611
00:29:16,350 --> 00:29:17,865
You know what?
That joke...
612
00:29:17,990 --> 00:29:22,745
That joke's what I call
an awkward car ride home.
613
00:29:22,870 --> 00:29:24,705
You know how many men
are gonna be driving home
614
00:29:24,830 --> 00:29:26,405
with their girlfriends
or wives this evening,
615
00:29:26,530 --> 00:29:27,475
and they have to do
this one...
616
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,345
They gotta go,
617
00:29:29,470 --> 00:29:32,755
"what joke?
618
00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:37,645
"Oh, I don't remember
that joke.
619
00:29:37,770 --> 00:29:41,385
"I laughed at it? Me?
620
00:29:41,510 --> 00:29:46,425
"That doesn't sound
like me.
621
00:29:46,550 --> 00:29:50,995
"You... you're saying
I stood up and clapped?
622
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:55,165
"I-I-I was probably laughing
about the joke before it,
623
00:29:55,290 --> 00:29:58,905
"where... where...
Where god hated homosexuals.
624
00:29:59,030 --> 00:30:00,705
"How did I know
that that joke was before it
625
00:30:00,830 --> 00:30:03,970
"if I didn't know
that this joke even existed?
626
00:30:10,910 --> 00:30:13,380
Your mother's a cunt."
627
00:30:20,190 --> 00:30:21,765
Let's tell some stories.
628
00:30:21,890 --> 00:30:24,235
Now.
629
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:28,565
This first story...
630
00:30:28,690 --> 00:30:30,235
The first bit of this story
you should already know,
631
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:33,775
in the same way
that you know things like
632
00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:35,875
"don't kill people."
633
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,910
"Try not to rape."
634
00:30:40,170 --> 00:30:41,645
When you're
on an airplane,
635
00:30:41,770 --> 00:30:43,800
there's a thing called
plane etiquette,
636
00:30:45,670 --> 00:30:48,795
window gets an armrest
and a wall.
637
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:51,295
Middle gets two armrests.
638
00:30:51,420 --> 00:30:54,895
Aisle gets an armrest
and a little bit of extra leg.
639
00:30:55,020 --> 00:30:56,625
We're not fucking animals.
640
00:30:56,750 --> 00:31:00,295
We live in a society.
641
00:31:00,420 --> 00:31:02,845
So I was on a flight
from Los Angeles to Houston,
642
00:31:02,970 --> 00:31:06,505
and I had the middle seat,
and that sucks balls.
643
00:31:06,630 --> 00:31:08,105
So I'm sitting there
with my two armrests.
644
00:31:08,230 --> 00:31:09,475
Next to me is
a petite young lady.
645
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:10,985
She's doing her job,
armrest, wall.
646
00:31:11,110 --> 00:31:12,605
I'm in the middle,
two armrests.
647
00:31:12,730 --> 00:31:15,745
Sitting next to me here
is a great big black man
648
00:31:15,870 --> 00:31:18,985
who's as gay
as the day is long.
649
00:31:19,110 --> 00:31:22,255
He sits down next to me,
and we do the niceties.
650
00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,785
"Hello."
"hello."
651
00:31:24,910 --> 00:31:26,295
And then,
with no issue whatsoever,
652
00:31:26,420 --> 00:31:28,865
he sees my elbow there,
and he just went... jock.
653
00:31:28,990 --> 00:31:31,625
And I went...
654
00:31:31,750 --> 00:31:34,435
Now, I'm pretty upset,
but he's a big fucking guy,
655
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:35,935
and it's a long flight,
656
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:37,665
so there's no need
to get into an argument.
657
00:31:37,790 --> 00:31:39,845
So I have that argument
that you have in your head
658
00:31:39,970 --> 00:31:41,505
where the other person
doesn't know
659
00:31:41,630 --> 00:31:43,605
you're having an argument,
where you're like,
660
00:31:43,730 --> 00:31:45,015
"you're a fucking asshole,
661
00:31:45,140 --> 00:31:46,855
"and if you said this,
then I would say,
662
00:31:46,980 --> 00:31:48,805
'well, good sir,
I think you're mistaken.'"
663
00:31:48,930 --> 00:31:52,155
right?
664
00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:54,855
So I sit there festering
for, like, 45 minutes.
665
00:31:54,980 --> 00:31:56,195
Then eventually,
the air stewardess comes
666
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:57,785
with the drink cart.
667
00:31:57,910 --> 00:31:59,395
Now, while i'm
on air stewardesses, right?
668
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:00,825
Whenever you watch a movie
set in the '60s
669
00:32:00,950 --> 00:32:02,725
and they show
air stewardesses,
670
00:32:02,850 --> 00:32:05,195
or an old TV show... that show,
like, pan-am or something...
671
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:06,825
They always depict
air stewardesses
672
00:32:06,950 --> 00:32:08,825
as these hot young things
with a pillbox hat,
673
00:32:08,950 --> 00:32:10,365
and a little bun,
and big tits,
674
00:32:10,490 --> 00:32:13,335
and a small waist,
and hauling a bag, going...
675
00:32:13,460 --> 00:32:14,975
Like that.
676
00:32:15,100 --> 00:32:18,300
I don't think any
of those women have retired.
677
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:23,715
'Cause this thing was just
678
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:28,095
being propped up
by the drink cart.
679
00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:30,255
50 years
of recycled air
680
00:32:30,380 --> 00:32:32,525
had made her skin
drip off her skull
681
00:32:32,650 --> 00:32:37,195
like the end
of raiders of the lost ark.
682
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:38,825
She comes up.
683
00:32:38,950 --> 00:32:42,405
The guy reaches over
for his drink and his pretzels.
684
00:32:42,530 --> 00:32:44,665
Armrest open.
Bang!
685
00:32:44,790 --> 00:32:46,575
I'm back in.
686
00:32:46,700 --> 00:32:51,415
And I'm not fucking going
anywhere, either.
687
00:32:51,540 --> 00:32:53,775
He puts all of his things
down on his tray,
688
00:32:53,900 --> 00:32:55,515
and he goes to put
his elbow back,
689
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,955
but he fucking can't,
can he?
690
00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,085
He can't 'cause there's
a wall there
691
00:33:00,210 --> 00:33:01,385
called Jim jefferies,
692
00:33:01,510 --> 00:33:03,025
and he can't
fucking move it.
693
00:33:03,150 --> 00:33:04,425
Right?
694
00:33:04,550 --> 00:33:05,935
And he's pushing,
he's pushing,
695
00:33:06,060 --> 00:33:07,625
and I'm acting
like I can't feel it,
696
00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:10,680
like this, but casual,
like... like...
697
00:33:14,820 --> 00:33:16,975
Then he gets his fist like this
and his hand like that,
698
00:33:17,100 --> 00:33:18,975
and he's pushing
really hard back,
699
00:33:19,100 --> 00:33:22,040
and I'm trying
to do that casual.
700
00:33:24,930 --> 00:33:26,955
But he's much bigger than me,
and eventually,
701
00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:28,285
I have to give in.
702
00:33:28,410 --> 00:33:31,455
I just went... jock.
703
00:33:31,580 --> 00:33:36,425
So I turned to him and said
what needed to be said.
704
00:33:36,550 --> 00:33:40,125
"Why are you such a cunt?"
705
00:33:40,250 --> 00:33:42,795
Now, I understand that
that word in this country
706
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,765
isn't as popular
as maybe it should be.
707
00:33:46,890 --> 00:33:50,075
People were freaking
the fuck out.
708
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:51,935
They were going, "he did.
He just said it.
709
00:33:52,060 --> 00:33:55,145
"I heard him say it.
710
00:33:55,270 --> 00:33:57,475
"Called that man a 'c' bomb.
I heard him say it.
711
00:33:57,600 --> 00:33:59,745
"Bob, called the man
a 'c' bomb.
712
00:33:59,870 --> 00:34:02,285
Bob."
713
00:34:02,410 --> 00:34:03,615
And he was shocked as well.
714
00:34:03,740 --> 00:34:05,785
He turned to me,
and he went, "excuse me?
715
00:34:05,910 --> 00:34:07,615
What did you
just call me?"
716
00:34:07,740 --> 00:34:09,815
But in for a penny,
in for a pound, right?
717
00:34:09,940 --> 00:34:11,165
And I was there going,
718
00:34:11,290 --> 00:34:14,695
"a cunt, sir.
719
00:34:14,820 --> 00:34:17,365
I called you a cunt."
720
00:34:17,490 --> 00:34:19,165
And he said, "are you upset
because you're trying
721
00:34:19,290 --> 00:34:20,665
to take my armrest?"
722
00:34:20,790 --> 00:34:22,695
And I went, "you don't know
plane etiquette.
723
00:34:22,820 --> 00:34:24,535
"Window gets an armrest
and a wall.
724
00:34:24,660 --> 00:34:26,205
"Middle gets two armrests.
725
00:34:26,330 --> 00:34:28,635
"Aisle gets an armrest
and a little bit of extra leg.
726
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:29,975
"We're not fucking animals.
727
00:34:30,100 --> 00:34:33,000
We live in a society."
728
00:34:35,610 --> 00:34:37,685
And the people that initially
hated me agreed with me.
729
00:34:37,810 --> 00:34:39,125
They're like,
"he is right about that.
730
00:34:39,250 --> 00:34:41,355
"That is true.
731
00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:43,455
"That is true.
732
00:34:43,580 --> 00:34:47,525
We do live in a society."
733
00:34:47,650 --> 00:34:48,985
And he went,
"oh, I'm only taking
734
00:34:49,110 --> 00:34:50,295
"the back of the armrest.
735
00:34:50,420 --> 00:34:51,795
You can have the rest
of the armrest."
736
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:54,695
And I went,
"you take the back,
737
00:34:54,820 --> 00:34:57,505
"you take the whole
fucking thing.
738
00:34:57,630 --> 00:35:02,005
"No one gives a fuck
about the front of the armrest.
739
00:35:02,130 --> 00:35:03,575
"No one's ever gone,
740
00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:08,185
'thanks for the front
of the armrest.'"
741
00:35:08,310 --> 00:35:11,015
I said, "it's not just
that you're taking my armrest.
742
00:35:11,140 --> 00:35:14,555
"Your elbow has come
over the armrest,
743
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,225
and it's digging
into my rib cage."
744
00:35:17,350 --> 00:35:19,655
And he said, "well, maybe
if you lost some weight..."
745
00:35:19,780 --> 00:35:20,655
Oh!
746
00:35:20,780 --> 00:35:23,725
I know.
747
00:35:23,850 --> 00:35:25,665
I was...
I was gobsmacked.
748
00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:27,405
I didn't know
what to fucking say.
749
00:35:27,530 --> 00:35:29,765
I just turned to him
and went,
750
00:35:29,890 --> 00:35:33,735
"you bitchy queen."
751
00:35:33,860 --> 00:35:36,415
Now everyone on the plane
has lost their fucking shit.
752
00:35:36,540 --> 00:35:39,245
The movie... the movie
can fuck off, mate.
753
00:35:39,370 --> 00:35:42,045
No one's watching
the fucking movie.
754
00:35:42,170 --> 00:35:44,185
I'm the entertainment now.
755
00:35:44,310 --> 00:35:46,715
The air stewardess
comes running back
756
00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:48,045
on her Walker.
757
00:35:48,170 --> 00:35:51,425
She comes up to us
and she goes,
758
00:35:51,550 --> 00:35:53,055
"what's going on here?"
759
00:35:53,180 --> 00:35:55,565
And I said, "I want this
fucking asshole away from me!"
760
00:35:55,690 --> 00:35:57,435
And she said, "sir,
this is not the situation
761
00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:58,535
to be swearing in."
762
00:35:58,660 --> 00:36:00,065
I went, "yes, it is.
763
00:36:00,190 --> 00:36:02,895
We're having a fight."
764
00:36:03,020 --> 00:36:06,275
And she went, "well...
765
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,275
There's no need
for name-calling."
766
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:09,605
I called the guy
a bitchy queen,
767
00:36:09,730 --> 00:36:11,545
so I sort of get
what she's saying.
768
00:36:11,670 --> 00:36:12,745
And I turned to her
and said,
769
00:36:12,870 --> 00:36:15,445
"you know what?
You're right.
770
00:36:15,570 --> 00:36:18,945
"There is never a need
for name-calling.
771
00:36:19,070 --> 00:36:20,945
"But...
772
00:36:21,070 --> 00:36:25,165
"As a proud gay man
myself...
773
00:36:25,290 --> 00:36:26,325
"I feel like I've earned
the right
774
00:36:26,450 --> 00:36:29,390
to say such words,
so..."
775
00:36:35,060 --> 00:36:38,435
She apologized.
776
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:43,445
The gay guy knows
I'm fucking lying.
777
00:36:43,570 --> 00:36:46,470
He's fagging the fuck out,
just...
778
00:36:53,070 --> 00:36:54,585
And the air stewardess
is saying,
779
00:36:54,710 --> 00:36:56,625
"can everyone calm down?
What's the problem here?"
780
00:36:56,750 --> 00:36:58,855
And he went, "he's trying
to take my armrest."
781
00:36:58,980 --> 00:37:00,165
And the air stewardess went,
"everyone knows
782
00:37:00,290 --> 00:37:02,435
the middle gets
two armrests."
783
00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:04,165
And I went, "see?"
784
00:37:04,290 --> 00:37:05,535
She goes, "I'm going to have
to break you two up."
785
00:37:05,660 --> 00:37:07,125
And she pointed to the man
and said, "sir,
786
00:37:07,250 --> 00:37:08,795
"you're going
to have to find a seat
787
00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:11,345
at the back of the plane."
788
00:37:11,470 --> 00:37:12,775
I'm victorious.
789
00:37:12,900 --> 00:37:14,105
I stand up.
790
00:37:14,230 --> 00:37:18,185
I bash my head
on the thing.
791
00:37:18,310 --> 00:37:20,515
I point at the man.
792
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:24,815
And I went, "get to the back
of the plane!"
793
00:37:24,940 --> 00:37:27,225
Now, a lot of people
on that plane
794
00:37:27,350 --> 00:37:30,280
hadn't seen the rest
of the argument.
795
00:37:32,820 --> 00:37:36,825
All they have seen is me
pointing at a black man,
796
00:37:36,950 --> 00:37:40,365
yelling, "get to the back
of the plane."
797
00:37:40,490 --> 00:37:44,475
Things got real awkward
real fucking quick.
798
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:47,705
I didn't know
what I'd done yet.
799
00:37:47,830 --> 00:37:50,245
People were yelling at me,
calling me a racist,
800
00:37:50,370 --> 00:37:52,245
and I was like...
801
00:37:52,370 --> 00:37:56,100
"I know, but how do you know?"
802
00:37:59,270 --> 00:38:01,015
Then a guy threw
a bag of peanuts
803
00:38:01,140 --> 00:38:02,555
at the back of my head
and said,
804
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:04,655
"sit down,
you limey bastard!"
805
00:38:04,780 --> 00:38:06,725
And I was like,
"that's the british!
806
00:38:06,850 --> 00:38:09,790
I'm australian,
you fucking racist!"
807
00:38:14,630 --> 00:38:16,245
Which would have made
a lot of sense
808
00:38:16,370 --> 00:38:18,735
if being british or australian
was a race
809
00:38:18,860 --> 00:38:21,275
and not a nationality.
810
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,075
But at that stage,
811
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:25,775
I was clutching
at straws, really.
812
00:38:25,900 --> 00:38:30,045
So I go sit back down
in his old chair.
813
00:38:30,170 --> 00:38:31,715
We got the empty sweet
between us.
814
00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:35,685
Me and the girl
pound it out.
815
00:38:35,810 --> 00:38:38,525
Now, later on the flight,
816
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,795
I'm walking up the back
of the plane to the toilet,
817
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,850
and I want to see the guy,
'cause I want to go...
818
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:49,635
And I get all the way
to the back of the plane.
819
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:50,865
I don't see him anywhere.
820
00:38:50,990 --> 00:38:52,275
I'm about to go
in the toilet,
821
00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:54,575
and then I see his leg
around the corner.
822
00:38:54,700 --> 00:38:56,645
There were no more seats.
823
00:38:56,770 --> 00:38:58,775
This is a full flight.
824
00:38:58,900 --> 00:39:00,775
He's sitting in
the air stewardess' landing seat
825
00:39:00,900 --> 00:39:03,385
that folds down
with the seatbelt over the top,
826
00:39:03,510 --> 00:39:07,785
like he's in a fucking
go-cart.
827
00:39:07,910 --> 00:39:09,425
I put my head
around the corner.
828
00:39:09,550 --> 00:39:14,085
I went, "no armrests here,
dickhead."
829
00:39:14,210 --> 00:39:15,255
And the air stewardess went,
830
00:39:15,380 --> 00:39:16,895
"you get back
to your seat,"
831
00:39:17,020 --> 00:39:18,770
and I ran away
like a child, like...
832
00:39:25,430 --> 00:39:27,675
So for landing,
I go and sit back down
833
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:29,175
in his old seat.
834
00:39:29,300 --> 00:39:30,745
Now, the air stewardess' seat
is taken,
835
00:39:30,870 --> 00:39:32,915
so she's taking my old seat
in the middle,
836
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,815
and she fucking hates me.
837
00:39:35,940 --> 00:39:38,870
And I'm taking both armrests.
Fuck her.
838
00:39:41,580 --> 00:39:43,425
And as we're landing,
839
00:39:43,550 --> 00:39:45,325
the guy over the aisle
leans over and goes,
840
00:39:45,450 --> 00:39:48,185
"excuse me.
You're Jim jefferies, right?"
841
00:39:48,310 --> 00:39:50,495
And I'm like, "yeah, man.
How you doing?"
842
00:39:50,620 --> 00:39:53,720
And he went, "I had no idea
you were gay."
843
00:40:02,770 --> 00:40:06,105
"Fuckin' yeah, man.
844
00:40:06,230 --> 00:40:09,140
I-I-I like cock."
845
00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:18,395
I-I threaten any, like,
fucking techno dj guy
846
00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:21,495
who's watching
this special...
847
00:40:21,620 --> 00:40:24,025
To make some song out of,
"I hate faggots!"
848
00:40:24,150 --> 00:40:26,705
"I like cock."
849
00:40:26,830 --> 00:40:28,505
I hate faggots!
850
00:40:28,630 --> 00:40:31,700
I like cock.
851
00:40:34,970 --> 00:40:38,675
Oh, it's gonna be popular
in europe.
852
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:40,815
Now, this last story
853
00:40:40,940 --> 00:40:42,555
happened five years ago
854
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:46,045
and involves a very famous,
famous movie-star comedian.
855
00:40:46,170 --> 00:40:47,685
I won't say his name,
856
00:40:47,810 --> 00:40:51,855
as he comes out of this story
very poorly.
857
00:40:51,980 --> 00:40:53,595
Five years ago,
I was performing
858
00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:55,725
at the just for laughs
comedy festival in Montreal.
859
00:40:55,850 --> 00:40:57,355
I was out there.
860
00:40:57,480 --> 00:40:59,325
It was before my career
had taken off over here a bit.
861
00:40:59,450 --> 00:41:02,065
I was out there supporting
a very famous comedian.
862
00:41:02,190 --> 00:41:04,035
I was just doing
the ten-minute warm-up
863
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:05,905
in a big theater like this.
864
00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:08,415
And for me, it was
a great stage in my career,
865
00:41:08,540 --> 00:41:10,515
'cause I'd never been flown
overseas to do a gig.
866
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:12,005
I'd never met
a movie star.
867
00:41:12,130 --> 00:41:13,585
I'd never performed
in a theater.
868
00:41:13,710 --> 00:41:15,845
It was exciting times,
you know?
869
00:41:15,970 --> 00:41:17,685
I get to the stage door
after the gig,
870
00:41:17,810 --> 00:41:20,215
and there's like 300 people
waiting in the alleyway
871
00:41:20,340 --> 00:41:23,925
just to get this guy's photo
or an autograph or something.
872
00:41:24,050 --> 00:41:26,595
And I'm standing off to the side
like a bit of a douche bag,
873
00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:29,565
like...
874
00:41:29,690 --> 00:41:32,195
And then these two 18-year-old
french canadian girls
875
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:33,805
come up
and start talking to me.
876
00:41:33,930 --> 00:41:38,105
Now, one of them's all hot
and 18 and wahhh,
877
00:41:38,230 --> 00:41:39,305
right?
878
00:41:39,430 --> 00:41:41,800
And... and the other one's
more...
879
00:41:47,910 --> 00:41:49,045
Fat.
880
00:41:49,170 --> 00:41:51,985
So...
881
00:41:52,110 --> 00:41:53,625
I'm talking
to the two girls.
882
00:41:53,750 --> 00:41:55,655
Eventually, the movie star
stops doing photos
883
00:41:55,780 --> 00:41:57,155
and he walks over,
884
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,465
and the girls lose
their fucking shit, right?
885
00:41:59,590 --> 00:42:01,125
We go out drinking.
886
00:42:01,250 --> 00:42:03,125
It gets to, like,
4:00 in the morning,
887
00:42:03,250 --> 00:42:04,895
and they yell last orders.
888
00:42:05,020 --> 00:42:07,425
Now, every man knows
this moment in the night.
889
00:42:07,550 --> 00:42:09,475
You've been working on a girl
for hours.
890
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:11,135
You haven't closed the deal.
891
00:42:11,260 --> 00:42:12,645
They've turned
the lights on,
892
00:42:12,770 --> 00:42:14,435
they've yelled last orders,
893
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:16,175
and you're in that
pressure cooker of time
894
00:42:16,300 --> 00:42:19,305
where you have to go,
"uh, you wanna fuck?"
895
00:42:19,430 --> 00:42:21,245
Right? So...
896
00:42:21,370 --> 00:42:22,985
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret,
897
00:42:23,110 --> 00:42:24,655
which a lot
of comedians don't.
898
00:42:24,780 --> 00:42:26,525
I'll tell you what I did
in this situation.
899
00:42:26,650 --> 00:42:28,115
I said to the girls...
I said, "hey.
900
00:42:28,240 --> 00:42:29,355
Let's stay out drinking."
901
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:30,925
And the girls go,
"we can't.
902
00:42:31,050 --> 00:42:32,325
All the bars are shut."
903
00:42:32,450 --> 00:42:35,095
And I said, "not the bar
back at our hotel.
904
00:42:35,220 --> 00:42:37,935
The bar at our hotel
is still open."
905
00:42:38,060 --> 00:42:40,805
Now, I should mention
at this stage of the story
906
00:42:40,930 --> 00:42:44,165
that I knew full well
that the bar at the hotel
907
00:42:44,290 --> 00:42:46,675
was not open.
908
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:48,845
We get back to the hotel,
the bar is shut,
909
00:42:48,970 --> 00:42:52,515
and I'm like this,
"oh, no!
910
00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:56,145
"This is fucking bullshit.
911
00:42:56,270 --> 00:42:58,955
Thank fuck I have drinks
up in my room."
912
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:00,485
And then the girls
come up to the room,
913
00:43:00,610 --> 00:43:03,510
and the spider web of deceit
is complete.
914
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:10,355
Now, we're all up there
drinking.
915
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:13,905
After about 15 minutes,
the other comedian becomes
916
00:43:14,030 --> 00:43:16,365
what I can only call...
917
00:43:16,490 --> 00:43:20,135
Rapey.
918
00:43:20,260 --> 00:43:22,175
He wanted the two girls
to kiss each other,
919
00:43:22,300 --> 00:43:23,675
but he wasn't doing
that drunken,
920
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,045
"how 'bout you two
start kissing?"
921
00:43:26,170 --> 00:43:29,555
He was grabbing the back
of each of their heads,
922
00:43:29,680 --> 00:43:32,725
going, "do it!
Kiss each other! Do it!"
923
00:43:32,850 --> 00:43:35,155
Now, I was sort of in awe
of this guy,
924
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:37,155
so I was kind of nervous,
so I was like,
925
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:39,385
"aww.
926
00:43:39,510 --> 00:43:42,565
Don't do that."
927
00:43:42,690 --> 00:43:44,325
But there's a bit
of my brain going,
928
00:43:44,450 --> 00:43:46,525
"but if you pull this off,
I'm right there with you."
929
00:43:46,650 --> 00:43:50,065
Right?
930
00:43:50,190 --> 00:43:52,575
The guy sort of checks himself
very quickly, and he's like,
931
00:43:52,700 --> 00:43:54,335
"oh, I'm sorry, Jim.
I'm sorry, girls.
932
00:43:54,460 --> 00:43:55,575
I don't know
what came over me."
933
00:43:55,700 --> 00:43:57,745
And we forgive him
rather quickly.
934
00:43:57,870 --> 00:43:59,245
We continue on drinking.
935
00:43:59,370 --> 00:44:02,505
About 40 minutes later,
we run out of Coca-Cola
936
00:44:02,630 --> 00:44:03,855
to mix
with the Jack Daniels,
937
00:44:03,980 --> 00:44:05,625
so I go out
to the vending machine
938
00:44:05,750 --> 00:44:07,085
to get more coke.
939
00:44:07,210 --> 00:44:08,955
I come back in
with all these cans of coke
940
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:10,415
under my arm.
941
00:44:10,540 --> 00:44:12,255
Now, obviously,
since I've been away,
942
00:44:12,380 --> 00:44:15,425
the rapeyness has surged
back through his veins,
943
00:44:15,550 --> 00:44:17,765
'cause he now has
one of the girls
944
00:44:17,890 --> 00:44:19,265
pinned up
against the wall
945
00:44:19,390 --> 00:44:20,965
and he's tearing
at her top.
946
00:44:21,090 --> 00:44:24,235
The other girl's on his back
trying to fight him off.
947
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:29,360
Now, as exciting as it was
to see my first rape, I...
948
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:34,275
I really felt
like I should intervene,
949
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:35,615
but I was nervous.
950
00:44:35,740 --> 00:44:37,785
So I was kind of like
George mcfly
951
00:44:37,910 --> 00:44:40,850
from back to the future.
952
00:44:44,350 --> 00:44:49,095
"Hey, you.
953
00:44:49,220 --> 00:44:52,120
You get your damn hands
off her."
954
00:44:56,260 --> 00:44:58,165
And he gave me
the most evil look
955
00:44:58,290 --> 00:45:00,645
I've ever had
from another person.
956
00:45:00,770 --> 00:45:02,145
He slammed that girl
against the wall.
957
00:45:02,270 --> 00:45:03,645
He fought the other one
off his back.
958
00:45:03,770 --> 00:45:05,405
And he looked at me,
and he goes,
959
00:45:05,530 --> 00:45:08,710
"I'm gonna make sure
you never work with me again."
960
00:45:10,780 --> 00:45:12,955
"And you girls
can fuck off as well.
961
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:14,185
I'm going to bed."
962
00:45:14,310 --> 00:45:15,615
Then he storms
out of the room,
963
00:45:15,740 --> 00:45:16,995
and he slams the door
behind him.
964
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:18,925
Now, the girls
are about to cry,
965
00:45:19,050 --> 00:45:22,220
so I've got to keep things
upbeat, right?
966
00:45:24,220 --> 00:45:25,265
You know
when you're with a child,
967
00:45:25,390 --> 00:45:26,705
and the child's fallen over,
968
00:45:26,830 --> 00:45:28,435
and there's
that small window of time
969
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:30,775
where the child doesn't know
it's hurt itself?
970
00:45:30,900 --> 00:45:34,675
And if you just go,
"aggggh!"
971
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:39,215
The kid sort of goes,
"oh, no, what's happened?"
972
00:45:39,340 --> 00:45:41,815
So he's stormed out,
the girls are about to cry,
973
00:45:41,940 --> 00:45:43,885
and I'm actually going,
"whoa-haaaaa!
974
00:45:44,010 --> 00:45:47,055
"Ahhh. Someone had
too much to drink,
975
00:45:47,180 --> 00:45:48,380
now, didn't they?"
976
00:45:50,180 --> 00:45:52,455
"Don't cry.
977
00:45:52,580 --> 00:45:54,865
"I'm not gonna rape ya.
978
00:45:54,990 --> 00:45:57,495
"Uh, look, look, look,
look, look.
979
00:45:57,620 --> 00:45:59,395
"Look, look, look.
980
00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:01,565
"I'll lock the door, okay?
981
00:46:01,690 --> 00:46:03,135
"He can't get back in,
982
00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:04,905
"but you can't get ou...
No, I'm joking!
983
00:46:05,030 --> 00:46:06,205
"I'm joking! I'm joking!
I'm joking! I'm joking!
984
00:46:06,330 --> 00:46:08,565
"I'm j-j-j-j...!
985
00:46:08,690 --> 00:46:11,635
There's no rape."
986
00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:15,755
So the girls calm down.
987
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:18,575
I go over to a table
in the room
988
00:46:18,700 --> 00:46:22,725
and I start cutting up
a gram of coke.
989
00:46:22,850 --> 00:46:26,425
Now, I turn around
to offer the girls a line,
990
00:46:26,550 --> 00:46:29,735
but the look of horror
that is on their faces...
991
00:46:29,860 --> 00:46:31,265
These are 18-year-old girls.
992
00:46:31,390 --> 00:46:32,865
They'd never seen cocaine.
993
00:46:32,990 --> 00:46:34,525
I might as well
have turned around
994
00:46:34,650 --> 00:46:38,390
with a belt around my arm,
holding a needle, just...
995
00:46:39,790 --> 00:46:41,435
So as soon as I saw
their faces,
996
00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:43,505
I tried to downplay
the situation,
997
00:46:43,630 --> 00:46:45,840
so I went...
998
00:47:01,580 --> 00:47:05,565
"I've never done it before.
999
00:47:05,690 --> 00:47:09,435
"The... the bad man
gave it to me.
1000
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:12,875
It's probably hor... i'm...
I'm gonna throw it away."
1001
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,375
So I gently scrape the coke
back into the wrap,
1002
00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:16,815
and for a man
who'd allegedly
1003
00:47:16,940 --> 00:47:18,275
never taken cocaine
in his life,
1004
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,315
I fold the wrap up
like an origami ninja.
1005
00:47:20,440 --> 00:47:22,070
Just...
1006
00:47:26,570 --> 00:47:27,985
And then I looked at the girls,
and I went,
1007
00:47:28,110 --> 00:47:31,385
"well, I'm off
to the bathroom."
1008
00:47:31,510 --> 00:47:34,455
And I go to the bathroom
of my own hotel room,
1009
00:47:34,580 --> 00:47:38,835
and I start doing cocaine
off the toilet seat.
1010
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:41,900
I come back out
a little bit more chipper.
1011
00:47:45,030 --> 00:47:45,905
I lay down
between the girls.
1012
00:47:46,030 --> 00:47:47,235
Every ten minutes,
1013
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:48,245
I'm getting up
and doing cocaine.
1014
00:47:48,370 --> 00:47:49,735
I'm coming back.
1015
00:47:49,860 --> 00:47:51,345
I'm still drinking
whiskey after whiskey.
1016
00:47:51,470 --> 00:47:54,115
So I'm drunk,
plus I'm coked up,
1017
00:47:54,240 --> 00:47:56,575
but I'm trying to act
like I'm not coked up,
1018
00:47:56,700 --> 00:47:58,085
and so I'm trying
to hide everything
1019
00:47:58,210 --> 00:47:59,485
in front of the girls,
1020
00:47:59,610 --> 00:48:01,025
and that's giving me
the appearance
1021
00:48:01,150 --> 00:48:04,195
of cerebral palsy.
1022
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:07,250
'Cause I'm just lying
between the girls going...
1023
00:48:17,330 --> 00:48:19,975
And then the hot girl
goes to the bathroom,
1024
00:48:20,100 --> 00:48:21,605
and the big girl
gets on top of me
1025
00:48:21,730 --> 00:48:23,145
and starts making out
with me.
1026
00:48:23,270 --> 00:48:25,045
And I'm so wasted,
I don't give a fuck.
1027
00:48:25,170 --> 00:48:27,475
I'm taking all comers.
I'm like, "ahh.
1028
00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:30,155
"Big fat person.
Ahh, ahh, ahh.
1029
00:48:30,280 --> 00:48:31,515
Ahh, ahh."
1030
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:34,240
It's like extra person,
right?
1031
00:48:37,610 --> 00:48:39,195
And then the hot girl
comes out of the bathroom
1032
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:40,685
and the big girl
gets off me
1033
00:48:40,810 --> 00:48:41,995
as though nothing
had happened.
1034
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:43,555
She makes a hell of a sound.
1035
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:46,495
And then the big girl
goes to the bathroom,
1036
00:48:46,620 --> 00:48:48,065
and the hot girl
starts making out with me,
1037
00:48:48,190 --> 00:48:51,875
or I start making out with her...
Who can remember?
1038
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:54,175
So when the other girl
comes back from the bathroom,
1039
00:48:54,300 --> 00:48:57,915
I spring to the end of the bed,
and I went, "look.
1040
00:48:58,040 --> 00:49:00,415
"Here's the deal.
1041
00:49:00,540 --> 00:49:03,215
"We've all been making out.
1042
00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:06,315
We should all get naked
and fuck."
1043
00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:08,225
And the big girl's already
taking off her top,
1044
00:49:08,350 --> 00:49:10,425
like, "yeah,
let's do this!"
1045
00:49:10,550 --> 00:49:12,925
And the hot girl goes,
"I don't want to do that."
1046
00:49:13,050 --> 00:49:14,825
So I point at the big girl,
and I went,
1047
00:49:14,950 --> 00:49:18,720
"your job
is to convince her.
1048
00:49:27,330 --> 00:49:28,970
I'm going to the bathroom."
1049
00:49:31,630 --> 00:49:35,055
So I go to the bathroom.
1050
00:49:35,180 --> 00:49:39,215
I do another fat line
of Charlie.
1051
00:49:39,340 --> 00:49:41,685
I peer out the bathroom door.
The two girls are naked.
1052
00:49:41,810 --> 00:49:43,885
I'm excited, but I've never
had a threesome before,
1053
00:49:44,010 --> 00:49:45,455
so I panic a little bit.
1054
00:49:45,580 --> 00:49:48,095
So I jump back into the bathroom
in front of the mirror.
1055
00:49:48,220 --> 00:49:50,295
I'm like, "ha-ha!
1056
00:49:50,420 --> 00:49:53,365
"This is fucking brilliant!
1057
00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:54,765
"40 minutes ago,
1058
00:49:54,890 --> 00:49:58,635
"there was gonna be a rape
in this room.
1059
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,690
I've really
turned things around."
1060
00:50:04,110 --> 00:50:05,705
And then my brain goes,
1061
00:50:05,830 --> 00:50:07,615
"you've just taken
a gram of coke in 40 minutes,"
1062
00:50:07,740 --> 00:50:10,085
and I look down, and my cock's
shriveled up like a walnut,
1063
00:50:10,210 --> 00:50:12,585
and I'm like, "oh, no!"
1064
00:50:12,710 --> 00:50:14,785
And I start hitting it
like it owes me money.
1065
00:50:14,910 --> 00:50:16,325
I'm trying to reason
with it.
1066
00:50:16,450 --> 00:50:18,655
"Come on,
it's two 18-year-olds.
1067
00:50:18,780 --> 00:50:21,395
This is what
we've always talked about."
1068
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:22,655
I'm stretching it,
1069
00:50:22,780 --> 00:50:23,965
trying to get
blood flow back into it,
1070
00:50:24,090 --> 00:50:25,495
but I've got nothing.
1071
00:50:25,620 --> 00:50:27,165
I don't know about you,
but when I take coke,
1072
00:50:27,290 --> 00:50:30,335
I bloat out
and I sweat like a beast.
1073
00:50:30,460 --> 00:50:32,405
And I've got all fat
and sweaty
1074
00:50:32,530 --> 00:50:36,275
with this gnarly little
fucking cock.
1075
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:38,015
My mouth's like cotton,
1076
00:50:38,140 --> 00:50:40,730
and I'm just looking at myself
in the mirror like...
1077
00:50:46,210 --> 00:50:49,120
"This is you."
1078
00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:51,755
So I just owned it.
1079
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:54,780
And I just walk out
all fat and gross, like...
1080
00:50:58,720 --> 00:51:01,865
"Hello, ladies."
1081
00:51:01,990 --> 00:51:04,045
The big girl's going down
on the hot girl.
1082
00:51:04,170 --> 00:51:06,765
The hot girl's head's
at the end of the bed.
1083
00:51:06,890 --> 00:51:10,375
So I put my flaccid cock
into the hot girl's mouth,
1084
00:51:10,500 --> 00:51:13,215
which sounds like
an aggressive move.
1085
00:51:13,340 --> 00:51:15,875
And it was.
1086
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:20,285
And she's sucking on
this flaccid whiskey-coke cock,
1087
00:51:20,410 --> 00:51:21,885
and I've got no decorum.
1088
00:51:22,010 --> 00:51:25,655
I'm just over her head going,
"ha-ha, ha-ha!"
1089
00:51:25,780 --> 00:51:29,565
And my gut's resting
over one of her eyeballs
1090
00:51:29,690 --> 00:51:31,565
like she was a meat pirate.
1091
00:51:31,690 --> 00:51:34,795
And I'm sweating profusely
from my forehead
1092
00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:37,565
into the other open eyeball.
1093
00:51:37,690 --> 00:51:39,075
And after a minute
and a half,
1094
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:41,805
she pulls my cock
out of her mouth and goes,
1095
00:51:41,930 --> 00:51:46,045
"we're not doing this
anymore!"
1096
00:51:46,170 --> 00:51:48,245
And you know what I thought
at that moment?
1097
00:51:48,370 --> 00:51:51,310
"Good call."
1098
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:03,095
I really pushed that boat out
as far into the harbor
1099
00:52:03,220 --> 00:52:06,395
as maybe it should've gone,
you know?
1100
00:52:06,520 --> 00:52:08,595
I just wanted the girls
to go home.
1101
00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:11,105
I wasn't going
to make them happy.
1102
00:52:11,230 --> 00:52:12,935
All I wanted
at this stage of the evening
1103
00:52:13,060 --> 00:52:15,115
was to have me coke wank.
1104
00:52:15,240 --> 00:52:17,415
Now, if you don't know
what a coke wank is,
1105
00:52:17,540 --> 00:52:20,115
let me explain.
1106
00:52:20,240 --> 00:52:23,045
When you take about a gram
of cocaine or so,
1107
00:52:23,170 --> 00:52:24,715
and you get home,
and you're lying in bed,
1108
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:26,045
and your friends are gone,
1109
00:52:26,170 --> 00:52:28,015
and the sun's
about to come up,
1110
00:52:28,140 --> 00:52:31,585
and the depression's
about to set in,
1111
00:52:31,710 --> 00:52:36,795
you masturbate
for around four hours.
1112
00:52:36,920 --> 00:52:39,965
Now, this sounds excessive,
and it is,
1113
00:52:40,090 --> 00:52:42,135
but don't think
you're enjoying yourself
1114
00:52:42,260 --> 00:52:43,795
for four hours.
1115
00:52:43,920 --> 00:52:47,775
For 3 hours and 58 minutes,
you're in fucking agony,
1116
00:52:47,900 --> 00:52:49,775
'cause the cum's
right at the end of your cock,
1117
00:52:49,900 --> 00:52:51,605
but the nerve center
in your brain
1118
00:52:51,730 --> 00:52:54,315
refuses to pass the message on
to shoot it out.
1119
00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:58,900
And that's what keeps you
at the table like a bad gambler.
1120
00:53:00,780 --> 00:53:03,455
Now, the most important thing
with a coke wank
1121
00:53:03,580 --> 00:53:05,325
is to keep your focus.
1122
00:53:05,450 --> 00:53:07,085
You lose your focus,
you're fucked.
1123
00:53:07,210 --> 00:53:10,165
You've hit the reset button.
You gotta start again.
1124
00:53:10,290 --> 00:53:12,895
I'll tell you
how I do it.
1125
00:53:13,020 --> 00:53:14,665
I lay on the bed
1126
00:53:14,790 --> 00:53:18,275
with my laptop
really high up on my chest,
1127
00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:21,630
with the battery
burning into my rib cage.
1128
00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:26,445
I put the most horrific porn
I can find on the screen,
1129
00:53:26,570 --> 00:53:30,685
which often is just women
punching each other.
1130
00:53:30,810 --> 00:53:33,355
I put my hand
behind the screen
1131
00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:38,195
so I don't have to see how
violently I'm fucking myself.
1132
00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:41,985
Then, through cuts,
abrasions, and bruises,
1133
00:53:42,110 --> 00:53:45,535
and using tears as lube,
1134
00:53:45,660 --> 00:53:47,635
eventually, you will come,
1135
00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:50,095
but you're so dehydrated,
it doesn't come out
1136
00:53:50,220 --> 00:53:51,705
in a fluid state.
1137
00:53:51,830 --> 00:53:55,130
You just shoot, like,
these six gelatin chunks.
1138
00:53:57,500 --> 00:54:00,815
Now, ordinarily,
when you come on your chest,
1139
00:54:00,940 --> 00:54:02,845
it's best to get a towel
and mop it up,
1140
00:54:02,970 --> 00:54:05,145
but this stuff,
you just roll it in a ball
1141
00:54:05,270 --> 00:54:08,170
and Chuck it in the corner.
1142
00:54:11,620 --> 00:54:13,750
Then, after you come,
you realize something
1143
00:54:15,980 --> 00:54:19,025
you're almost dead.
1144
00:54:19,150 --> 00:54:22,505
Your heart's beating
at a very irregular pace.
1145
00:54:22,630 --> 00:54:24,335
Your mouth's like cotton.
1146
00:54:24,460 --> 00:54:27,965
So you peel yourself
off the mattress to get water,
1147
00:54:28,090 --> 00:54:31,000
but your thighs
are cramping up.
1148
00:54:33,870 --> 00:54:35,415
You walk away.
You turn around.
1149
00:54:35,540 --> 00:54:39,715
You see a sweaty outline
of your body on the sheet,
1150
00:54:39,840 --> 00:54:42,780
and it looks like
the shroud of turin.
1151
00:54:47,550 --> 00:54:51,365
Anyway...
1152
00:54:51,490 --> 00:54:54,390
I was looking forward
to doing that.
1153
00:55:00,290 --> 00:55:03,445
So I said to the girls,
I said, "oh...
1154
00:55:03,570 --> 00:55:05,575
You can go home."
1155
00:55:05,700 --> 00:55:06,775
And the big girl went,
1156
00:55:06,900 --> 00:55:09,385
"but I still want
to get fucked."
1157
00:55:09,510 --> 00:55:12,615
And I went, "oh, you're more
of a package deal."
1158
00:55:12,740 --> 00:55:16,215
Now, as soon as I said it...
1159
00:55:16,340 --> 00:55:17,595
As soon as I said it,
1160
00:55:17,720 --> 00:55:19,885
I felt like
a fucking asshole, right?
1161
00:55:20,010 --> 00:55:22,055
One of the great things
about being an offensive comic
1162
00:55:22,180 --> 00:55:24,125
is you can cover your steps
very quickly by going,
1163
00:55:24,250 --> 00:55:27,180
"oh, I'm kidding.
I'm crazy. Wahh!"
1164
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:31,905
So I did that.
1165
00:55:32,030 --> 00:55:33,305
I went, "oh, I'd love
to fuck you.
1166
00:55:33,430 --> 00:55:34,905
"I love you. I was kidding.
I would love it.
1167
00:55:35,030 --> 00:55:37,205
"Rahh!
1168
00:55:37,330 --> 00:55:41,145
But I can't fuck you
in front of your friend."
1169
00:55:41,270 --> 00:55:42,975
And she points
at her friend and goes,
1170
00:55:43,100 --> 00:55:45,785
"you get in the bathroom
while I fuck him."
1171
00:55:45,910 --> 00:55:47,915
And I went, "eh.
1172
00:55:48,040 --> 00:55:50,955
"Eh.
1173
00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:54,390
I-I can't see
why that wouldn't work."
1174
00:55:56,790 --> 00:55:59,305
Now I've got to fuck her.
It would be rude not to.
1175
00:55:59,430 --> 00:56:01,335
You can't be willing
to fuck someone in a couple
1176
00:56:01,460 --> 00:56:03,165
and not be willing to fuck them
as an individual.
1177
00:56:03,290 --> 00:56:04,735
That's bad manners,
1178
00:56:04,860 --> 00:56:07,430
and my mother brought me up
better than that.
1179
00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:13,345
So I'm gonna fuck this girl
to be polite.
1180
00:56:13,470 --> 00:56:16,015
And her friend didn't want
to go into the bathroom,
1181
00:56:16,140 --> 00:56:17,845
and she's, like, crying,
and her friend's, like,
1182
00:56:17,970 --> 00:56:20,525
pushing her, like, "just get
in the fucking bathroom."
1183
00:56:20,650 --> 00:56:22,185
This big fat girl's
pushing this hot girl,
1184
00:56:22,310 --> 00:56:24,525
like, "get in
the fucking bathroom."
1185
00:56:24,650 --> 00:56:26,695
And I'm so wasted,
I'm getting involved, like,
1186
00:56:26,820 --> 00:56:29,825
"yeah!
Get in the bathroom!"
1187
00:56:29,950 --> 00:56:33,125
And so we push this hot girl
into the bathroom.
1188
00:56:33,250 --> 00:56:35,335
She sits on the toilet.
She's crying.
1189
00:56:35,460 --> 00:56:37,360
She's so hot,
and she's crying, like...
1190
00:56:38,930 --> 00:56:40,105
Then she turns
the hair dryer on
1191
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,605
so she doesn't
have to listen.
1192
00:56:41,730 --> 00:56:43,345
So picture, like,
there's this hot girl.
1193
00:56:43,470 --> 00:56:45,105
She's crying.
She's holding a hair dryer.
1194
00:56:45,230 --> 00:56:48,275
Just...
1195
00:56:48,400 --> 00:56:49,975
Anyway, that gave me
an erection.
1196
00:56:50,100 --> 00:56:53,010
So now I've got an erection.
1197
00:56:58,680 --> 00:57:00,995
Do I wear a condom?
1198
00:57:01,120 --> 00:57:04,125
And the answer is no.
1199
00:57:04,250 --> 00:57:05,565
I was on too many drugs
to come.
1200
00:57:05,690 --> 00:57:07,505
No one's
getting fucking pregnant.
1201
00:57:07,630 --> 00:57:10,295
And let's be honest...
18-year-old canadian
1202
00:57:10,420 --> 00:57:11,635
who'd never seen cocaine?
1203
00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:13,135
Let's go out on a limb
1204
00:57:13,260 --> 00:57:17,415
and say
she doesn't have aids.
1205
00:57:17,540 --> 00:57:19,005
And even if she did
have aids,
1206
00:57:19,130 --> 00:57:22,915
it wouldn't be
the aggressive "rahh" aids.
1207
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:27,245
It would be a soft,
gentle, girly aids that...
1208
00:57:27,370 --> 00:57:31,025
Probably wouldn't kill me.
1209
00:57:31,150 --> 00:57:32,315
So I got on top of her.
1210
00:57:32,440 --> 00:57:33,895
I told her I was
a premature ejaculator
1211
00:57:34,020 --> 00:57:36,195
so I didn't have to fuck her
for too long.
1212
00:57:36,320 --> 00:57:37,665
'Cause I knew I wasn't
gonna come, right?
1213
00:57:37,790 --> 00:57:39,765
So I put my cock in her
for like ten thrusts.
1214
00:57:39,890 --> 00:57:41,605
I went...
And then I just pulled out
1215
00:57:41,730 --> 00:57:44,445
and went, "rahh!"
1216
00:57:44,570 --> 00:57:45,705
And she went,
"what was that?"
1217
00:57:45,830 --> 00:57:47,365
And I went, "oh,
I just came over there."
1218
00:57:47,490 --> 00:57:49,075
And she goes, "no, you didn't."
I went, "yes, I did.
1219
00:57:49,200 --> 00:57:53,845
"There's, uh,
heaps of it over there.
1220
00:57:53,970 --> 00:57:57,915
"I wouldn't go over there.
You'll get pregnant.
1221
00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:01,510
It looks like a Jackson pollock
painting over there."
1222
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:08,180
Anyway, then we let her friend
out of the bathroom,
1223
00:58:09,380 --> 00:58:11,435
the girls got dressed,
1224
00:58:11,560 --> 00:58:13,635
and they went home.
1225
00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:17,035
Now, that should be
the end of the story,
1226
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,575
but it's not.
1227
00:58:19,700 --> 00:58:22,445
That story happened
five years ago.
1228
00:58:22,570 --> 00:58:24,575
Now, this year,
I went back
1229
00:58:24,700 --> 00:58:26,615
to the just for laughs
comedy festival in Montreal,
1230
00:58:26,740 --> 00:58:29,375
and I wasn't supporting
some movie star.
1231
00:58:29,500 --> 00:58:33,315
I was... I was in the big theater
myself, and... and...
1232
00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:35,555
And when I finished the show,
I went to the stage door,
1233
00:58:35,680 --> 00:58:37,085
and there was people
waiting for my autograph.
1234
00:58:37,210 --> 00:58:38,825
And at the end of the queue
1235
00:58:38,950 --> 00:58:42,565
was the hot girl,
all these years later.
1236
00:58:42,690 --> 00:58:44,835
And I took her back
to my hotel
1237
00:58:44,960 --> 00:58:46,125
and I fucked her.
1238
00:58:46,250 --> 00:58:50,005
Now, the reason
I tell you this story
1239
00:58:50,130 --> 00:58:53,490
is because you should never
give up on your dreams.
1240
00:58:55,300 --> 00:58:58,405
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much.
1241
00:58:58,530 --> 00:59:00,500
Good night.
Bye-bye.